


Blackberry Jam

by hchollym



Category: The Hobbit (Jackson Movies), The Hobbit - All Media Types, The Hobbit - J. R. R. Tolkien
Genre: Crack, Food Sex, Humor, M/M, Public Sex, Sexually Liberated Dwarves, Threesome - M/M/M
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-08-18
Updated: 2014-08-18
Packaged: 2018-02-13 16:02:02
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 529
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2156631
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/hchollym/pseuds/hchollym
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Poor Bilbo is quite scandalized by the dwarves' sexual activities - especially since they are taking place on his dining room table.</p>
            </blockquote>





	Blackberry Jam

**Author's Note:**

> I wrote this a while ago, but I forgot to post it. Oops! 
> 
> It's just a short little story that I wrote as a mini-fill for the hobbit kink meme. 
> 
> Comments are always lovely <3
> 
> ...
> 
> Written for the prompt: 
> 
> Bilbo learns quickly that dwarves aren't shy about sexual activity. If they're in the mood, they grab a partner (or more than one) and go at it, and if you happen to be in the room they don't care if you watch. Hell, you may even get an invite to join!
> 
> The very proper Bilbo Baggins is shocked by this.

Bilbo returned from the kitchen with a bowl of salad, which he promptly dropped when met with the sight in his dining room. His eyes were wide and his mouth hung open in shock. There, right on his parents’ dining room table, was Bofur and Nori doing something very improper. 

Nori’s fingers were running along Bofur’s back into – Oh Valar. Bilbo squeaked. That was highly unsanitary. There were still plates of food under them! He was going to have to throw those dishes out. He tore his eyes away from the disturbing scene only to be met with one much, much worse. 

Dwalin was behind Dori, gripping his hips and doing the four-legged frolic, as the grey-haired one sucked Balin’s –well, let’s just say that it was not his hand that he was sucking. Bilbo shuddered in disgust and confusion. Weren’t Dwalin and Balin brothers? It was likely watching a disaster happening; no matter how much you wanted to look away, you couldn’t. 

And anyway, what the hell was wrong with dwarves? Do they always just barge into someone else’s home and do that in their dining rooms? He had perfectly good beds, thank you very much. At least then his eyes wouldn’t be traumatized for life. The worst part was that the other dwarves continued eating! As if they were not being exposed to such scandalous behavior! 

These dwarves were setting quite the bad example for the younger ones. Ori looked like he was taking very thorough notes, and Fili and Kili were commenting on their techniques as if they were sword-fighting! Which, in a way, they were, but still! This was simply not acceptable. He was about to open his mouth to berate these shameless, promiscuous dwarves when he heard a low voice from behind him. 

“Halfling.” He practically jumped out of his skin and let out a very undignified squeak that he would later deny – though who could blame him? These dwarves were having some kinky sex party in his smial! 

His father was probably rolling around in his grave! His mother would probably finding it amusing and interesting - a thought which did nothing to make Bilbo feel better. It was probably best get his thoughts far away from that. He focused on the dwarf in front of him, Thorin, who had his eyebrows raised and an amused smirk on his lips. 

“Care to try the blackberry jam?” Bilbo blinked at the ridiculous question. How could he even ask about jam with the abomination that was occurring right behind them!

“Why, you, no,” he spluttered out. “Why in Middle-earth would I want to try the jam when your dwarves are desecrating my home?! And it is my jam! I’ve already had it plenty of times on my bread in the morning!” Really, the question was just absurd! Thorin’s smirk simply widened. 

“I’m not talking about trying it on bread.” Bilbo gaped when he finally realized that Thorin’s pants were pulled down just enough to reveal his – well, something rather long and hard that was certainly not bread. And there was jam. Oh dear Valar. Bilbo was going to faint. 

The jam did look quite tasty though...


End file.
